There have been so many times in the past two weeks where people have let me down. They make plans and then cancel. They tell me I'm so special and important yet fail to actually spend time with me. Every time someone says no and just doesn't show up, I feel so unimportant. Left out. Used. Hurt. Angry. Frustrated.
Want to know the best thing of all? God is my only hope. I've realized I have been placing my hope in other people. I have been relying on others to not only bring me joy but to fill that empty void and to satisfy myself in spending time with them. Its so hard for me especially since my love language is quality time! How is a girl supposed to feel loved and accepted and wanted by others if it just doesn't happen and quality time is her love language?! That I am still trying to figure out! However, I DO know that because my love language is quality time, I receive God's love by spending tons of time in his word, praying, and just meditating on who he is as my Father BUT also as my lover.
God never disappoints me. There are times when I feel so small and left out by many of my best friends and even my boyfriend. I feel walked on because they all assume I will be fine if they say yes but then change their mind to no or just don't show up. Honestly, it sucks! It hurts so bad that all I want to do is run and not look back until the tears are done falling and I can have a conversation moving us to forgive one another and work to better love each other.
Reality is, first, guys don't have that type of mind! Women move to fix problems and create peace. We hate confrontation but also know its the only way to resolve conflict. We can't sleep if we aren't talking to a friend or upset about something. Most normal men can have stuff that bothers them and go days without talking about it. They also just don't think of peace and jump to fixing problems like women do. Trying to be content and not worry about what my boyfriend says to me and how he doesn't always show up is something I have been struggling with, A LOT. But, I also know that my God is my true love and meets me 100% where my boyfriend falls. That it isn't fair to place all of that pressure on him and that my hope should NOT be found in my boyfriend but solely in GOD ALONE.
Second, our hope with anyone-friends, relationships, family, etc.-should only be found in God. God is our hope. Hope we see is no hope at all. I love that verse in Romans! I must hope for what I do not have and wait for it patiently. Why hope for what I already have?! This is where my faith comes in because my faith is all about hoping. There are so many things I hope for and that have been on my mind lately....especially in regards to my future. God tells me to not even worry about that because he works all things out for my good and has plans to prosper me and to give me a future filled with hope and him. What comfort!
If you're struggling with people letting you down and feeling insignificant, know that God is our only hope. We should be placing that hope in our GOD ALONE. Check your heart. See if you truly are seeking your Abba and finding your satisfaction through him only. The condition of your heart often tells you where you are in your walk....
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Trust
It has been quite a long time since I last posed. I guess you can say my life has been anything but ordinary within the past four months. I've gone through many personal spiritual battles as well as battling what the world tells me and what God tells me. Its been quite a trip...
One of the biggest things God has been teaching me lately is trust. Now, as a Christian woman who has been walking with the Lord for a few years you think I would actually have that all squared away, right? WRONG! I can honestly say I am a woman who fears placing all of my trust into someone because of all of the pain I have faced from many people. It always seems right as I place my trust into someone, they fail and the pain they bring is heart wrenching. It literally feels as though they are piercing my heart and mind with a sword and its stuck. However, God is different. His word affirms that if we place our trust in him, he will not fail because he is not human (Lamentations 3:22). He is God, our God, our good, just, and faithful God. Who never leaves us or hurts us...he works all things for our good (Romans 8:28).
As my senior year is almost halfway over, I have begun to panic. Well, that's a lie. I've been panicking ever since August. I'm so fearful of where I'm going to be next year, what I'm going to be doing, who I'm going to be with, etc. etc. I've been told I have every right to be afraid and uncertain. However, God tells us not to worry and that we don't have to feel that way. Its funny how human knowledge sounds so good but is so false! In the famous Proverbs 3:5-6 it states, TRUST the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding but acknowledge him, and he will make your paths smooth. This hit me. It really hit me. I thought to myself, why do I worry and why do I think I know the answer when in reality, I don't? I think my understanding is so much better and I try to follow that. I've failed. Oh, I've failed so many times in the past few months by doing just that. All I have to do is simply acknowledge God and HE will make my paths straight. The path of finding an enjoyable and fruitful job, the path of living somewhere, the path of my relationship, the path of my life. He has it. He's got me. He has me wrapped in his arms and is nudging me forward. All I have to do is follow and trust that he is in control when I have absolutely no idea what is going on. I have to trust that his plan for me is unfolding right before my very eyes and it is perfect. I don't understand why but he DOES. My life right now is perfect because its God's plan and he is working through all my failures, all my feelings, all my doubts, all my worries, all my stress, all my hurt for my good. Our God is a God who is just and gracious, slow to anger and ABOUNDING IN LOVE.
The other verse that I keep instilling into my human mind is "Delight yourself in me and I will give you the desires of your heart." Again, God can only give me the desires of my heart if I am delighting myself in him. Now, when I first read this, I thought to myself what the heck does to delight mean? I'm not stupid, I know what to delight means but what does it REALLY mean? I believe to delight means to find joy, peace, and fullness through God. To be dependent on him alone, not man. To find my fulfillment in him. Because when I am finding fulfillment and joy and completeness through God alone, I am placing my trust in him...now that is hope.
So, as I continue to figure out what I want to do I stop and realize its not what I want, its what God wants. 2 Thessalonians 3:5 says, "May the Lord direct my heart to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ." This verse sums up my prayer life right now. I desire to continue to seek my God for ALL understanding in my life and this world. I desire to be a woman so in tune with the Holy Spirit. To be a godly woman who finds her complete dependence on God. I don't need a man to complete me, I need my God. My heart is longing for peace and assurance that God is with me and is working through me. I so desperately cry out to my Abba for comfort and security, knowing that he is in control and asking for him to make my heart and mind fully trust in his good and perfect ways.
My God is the only sure thing in my life right now and I truly believe he will always be the only sure thing in my life forever. When everyone else fails and hurts me, he holds me up and sustains me. Why wouldn't I trust the man who created me and placed my life completely, totally, 100% in his control? Makes you think, doesn't it...
One of the biggest things God has been teaching me lately is trust. Now, as a Christian woman who has been walking with the Lord for a few years you think I would actually have that all squared away, right? WRONG! I can honestly say I am a woman who fears placing all of my trust into someone because of all of the pain I have faced from many people. It always seems right as I place my trust into someone, they fail and the pain they bring is heart wrenching. It literally feels as though they are piercing my heart and mind with a sword and its stuck. However, God is different. His word affirms that if we place our trust in him, he will not fail because he is not human (Lamentations 3:22). He is God, our God, our good, just, and faithful God. Who never leaves us or hurts us...he works all things for our good (Romans 8:28).
As my senior year is almost halfway over, I have begun to panic. Well, that's a lie. I've been panicking ever since August. I'm so fearful of where I'm going to be next year, what I'm going to be doing, who I'm going to be with, etc. etc. I've been told I have every right to be afraid and uncertain. However, God tells us not to worry and that we don't have to feel that way. Its funny how human knowledge sounds so good but is so false! In the famous Proverbs 3:5-6 it states, TRUST the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding but acknowledge him, and he will make your paths smooth. This hit me. It really hit me. I thought to myself, why do I worry and why do I think I know the answer when in reality, I don't? I think my understanding is so much better and I try to follow that. I've failed. Oh, I've failed so many times in the past few months by doing just that. All I have to do is simply acknowledge God and HE will make my paths straight. The path of finding an enjoyable and fruitful job, the path of living somewhere, the path of my relationship, the path of my life. He has it. He's got me. He has me wrapped in his arms and is nudging me forward. All I have to do is follow and trust that he is in control when I have absolutely no idea what is going on. I have to trust that his plan for me is unfolding right before my very eyes and it is perfect. I don't understand why but he DOES. My life right now is perfect because its God's plan and he is working through all my failures, all my feelings, all my doubts, all my worries, all my stress, all my hurt for my good. Our God is a God who is just and gracious, slow to anger and ABOUNDING IN LOVE.
The other verse that I keep instilling into my human mind is "Delight yourself in me and I will give you the desires of your heart." Again, God can only give me the desires of my heart if I am delighting myself in him. Now, when I first read this, I thought to myself what the heck does to delight mean? I'm not stupid, I know what to delight means but what does it REALLY mean? I believe to delight means to find joy, peace, and fullness through God. To be dependent on him alone, not man. To find my fulfillment in him. Because when I am finding fulfillment and joy and completeness through God alone, I am placing my trust in him...now that is hope.
So, as I continue to figure out what I want to do I stop and realize its not what I want, its what God wants. 2 Thessalonians 3:5 says, "May the Lord direct my heart to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ." This verse sums up my prayer life right now. I desire to continue to seek my God for ALL understanding in my life and this world. I desire to be a woman so in tune with the Holy Spirit. To be a godly woman who finds her complete dependence on God. I don't need a man to complete me, I need my God. My heart is longing for peace and assurance that God is with me and is working through me. I so desperately cry out to my Abba for comfort and security, knowing that he is in control and asking for him to make my heart and mind fully trust in his good and perfect ways.
My God is the only sure thing in my life right now and I truly believe he will always be the only sure thing in my life forever. When everyone else fails and hurts me, he holds me up and sustains me. Why wouldn't I trust the man who created me and placed my life completely, totally, 100% in his control? Makes you think, doesn't it...
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Grief
Grieving is something that I've never quite comprehended. Through all the loss I've faced and the significant amount of deaths, its still something I'm trying to face and realize it is okay to be weak and cry and that crying doesn't make me any less stronger than I am.
These past two weeks have been so extremely hard. My Papa lost his battle to cancer and he was always the strength I looked to in my life. All he had done, all he had accomplished, how he valued his family above all, how he loved unconditionally, and the joy he had for life. My Papa was a wonderful man and a man I desire to be with one day. In my Papa's last few weeks on this earth and said "I don't want to leave this wonderful family." He was scared to leave the one thing he loved most...me and my family. WOW. Talk about a man of strength, who admitted he loved his family more than himself or all he had accomplished and done in life! Now, that's a real man. And he started it all. He wasn't passive like many men are today.
There's a few passages I've been rereading over and over again that give me comfort and hope but the one that stands out most is Psalm 147. My God heals the (my) brokenhearted, he binds up their (my) wounds (v. 3). My God KNOWS what I need, when I need him and he is near. His understanding has NO limits (v. 5) and he sustains the humble (v. 6). My God sustains me when everyone else around me fails or cannot offer me what my God can offer me, which is the world and the truth of his saving grace, his unfailing love, and his powerful strength. He blesses me and grants me peace (v. 14). Praise be to God!
His ways are perfect. His love is unfailing. His strength sustains me. Always.
These past two weeks have been so extremely hard. My Papa lost his battle to cancer and he was always the strength I looked to in my life. All he had done, all he had accomplished, how he valued his family above all, how he loved unconditionally, and the joy he had for life. My Papa was a wonderful man and a man I desire to be with one day. In my Papa's last few weeks on this earth and said "I don't want to leave this wonderful family." He was scared to leave the one thing he loved most...me and my family. WOW. Talk about a man of strength, who admitted he loved his family more than himself or all he had accomplished and done in life! Now, that's a real man. And he started it all. He wasn't passive like many men are today.
There's a few passages I've been rereading over and over again that give me comfort and hope but the one that stands out most is Psalm 147. My God heals the (my) brokenhearted, he binds up their (my) wounds (v. 3). My God KNOWS what I need, when I need him and he is near. His understanding has NO limits (v. 5) and he sustains the humble (v. 6). My God sustains me when everyone else around me fails or cannot offer me what my God can offer me, which is the world and the truth of his saving grace, his unfailing love, and his powerful strength. He blesses me and grants me peace (v. 14). Praise be to God!
His ways are perfect. His love is unfailing. His strength sustains me. Always.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
A beautiful story
This morning at 8:55 a.m. my handsome, loving, and strong Papa went to heaven. He left his family--a wonderful wife, four beautiful children, and 13 precious grandchildren. He met with God at the gates of Heaven and because of his life, his new acceptance of Jesus, and his love, he entered through those gates and is now peacefully at rest rejoicing with Jesus and the victory Jesus has over death. It is because of Jesus' sacrifice and death that my Papa is in Heaven...our God loves us THAT much.
Papa Underwood has so many cool things about him. He and my Nana got married right out of high school and began to raise their own family. At one time he worked three separate jobs so he could provide money to have my Nana stay at home and raise his children. He ended up going back to college at Southern Maine and graduating the same year my mom did. He worked at the Bath Iron Works on ships. He was a handy man and helped with carpentry. He taught drivers education and was a great drawer. He loved to fish and read mysteries. Westerns were his favorite thing to watch on television and documentaries on WWI and WWII. Of course he loved his Redskins and Red Sox too! He also got to see 13 grandchildren grow up, graduate from high school, go to college, and be at two of their weddings.
My Papa was such a fun, loving giver of life. I can always remember him never being mad and if he ever was, it wasn't longer than for 5 minutes, at the most. His temper was short lived and he always had a smile on his face. In my youth, my Nana and Papa would drive down from Maine on a Friday morning and when I returned home from school I would see their car parked in my driveway and I would run inside to see my Papa sitting in his normal spot in our living room chair. He would say "Ta-RA!" and I would run to him and he would kiss me on the lips. There was nothing more better than being wrapped in my Papa's arms...the comfort, the love, and the joy radiated from those moments. My Papa loved brushing my hair and always loved my long hair, which is one of the reasons why I've been letting it grow. Its been a whole year since it was last cut because I know how much he loved it. My Papa was also the very first man who ever told me I was beautiful, one of the most beautiful girls he had ever met in his life and that he loved me so much.
Like most young girls I dreamed of finding a fairy tale boy and falling in love. From the time I was little I desired to find a man like my Papa. To be so madly in love it drives me crazy. To have four beautiful children. To watch my grandchildren grow up. To be happy and live a full life. This is my Papa's story. My Papa fell in love with my Nana so quickly. Whenever me and my Papa would be alone, he would always ask me about the boys in my life and I usually would answer with "nobody Pup" and he would always say "that's because you are too beautiful and you scare all the good ones away, just wait." Then he would tell his story of how quickly he fell in love with my Nana. How it was love at first sight and he just knew it. He told me about the dates they would go on and like any love story how he is so in love still and that Nana is the most beautiful and amazing woman he has ever known. It was always during these moments that I wanted to find a man like my Papa who still talked about his wife and the love of his life in this way. You could tell that he was so in love just by the smile and tone of his voice, he was always so excited. In fact I know my Papa died still so completely in love with my Nana. When I went to visit him this past Saturday I was in the room with my mom and my Nana. My Nana was trying to wake him up and he opened his eyes, puckered his lips, and picked up his head to kiss my Nana on the lips. Even in his pain and sickness, he STILL was so in love with my Nana. It was one of the coolest "love" moments I have ever experienced and their love story is just so real and beautiful. I still desire that love story and I know my Papa wants that love story for all 13 of his grandchildren, and two of them already have that.
Last Saturday when I went to visit my Papa I didn't know what kind of day it was going to be. I hadn't seen my Papa since January because I'm away in Maryland at school all year and then I was blessed with the opportunity to lead a missions trip in Ocean City. When I first saw him, I cried. The way cancer kills a body is so devastating and it makes me so angry. I spent a lot of time with my Papa just holding his hand, talking to him, and looking at him. Even though I don't know if my Papa knew I was in the room, I know he could hear me talking because hearing is the last thing a person loses right before they die. My Papa held my hand so tightly that day it made me laugh. His touch was warm, just like it always is. And he would squeeze my hand and I would squeeze back. Being able to sit and watch him was amazing, the coolest moment in my entire life! I felt like I was in a scene in a movie but it was so much better than a scene because it was real and unique and special in its very own way. A little while later in the afternoon a pastor came and he prayed and talked with my Papa and then he asked me to go in the room with him and we prayed together. It was so sweet because the pastor prayed a lot for my Nana. That my Nana would be comforted and not burdened when my Papa left her and that she would be at peace with the situation, never fully of course but not lonely. We then continued to talk about the Bible, God's character, how its not God who causes pain and suffering because he loves us too much. I left that night feeling pretty at peace with the whole situation, knowing that I had placed it in God's hands and it was now up to God to decide the ultimate decision and time that my Papa would return to him at the gates. I'll be honest. I spent most of the car ride home in tears and just worried for my Nana and my dad. BUT when I returned home I found out that my Papa had accepted Jesus into his life with my uncle Chuck...WHAT?! I was overjoyed. Filled with awe. Totally speechless.
My Papa was baptized later on during the week. This whole situation has really strengthened my faith. God has shown me through faith and life how powerful he is. That is he the one in control and will change people's hearts. We cannot place the burden on ourselves and his timing is perfect. He knew my Papa's situation and what was going to happen. My Papa accepted Christ into his life right when he needed to and God knew that. It was all a part of his plan. God has also shown to me through faith that he wants everyone to come to know him so that everyone can spend eternity with him. God loves us that much. I still cannot comprehend his love for me and I don't think I ever will. I know his love for my Papa was deep and wanted so badly and he got it, he finally got it!
While my Papa is no longer here, he is in Heaven. I know God is taking care of him now and there is nothing to worry about. My Papa fought such a hard, tough battle. He held on until the very last moment. He was such a tough man, a fighter. He provided for his family and at one time worked three jobs so my Nana could stay at home and raise four children. He left my Nana so well off she has nothing to worry about because he loved her so much and was a constant provider. My Papa's spirit lives on here with us. While I am sad that my Papa never got to meet the man I will one day marry, whoever it may be, be at my college graduation, sitting in the front row of my wedding in awe of my beauty, or to see my children, I have such an amazing story to tell...his story of love, of power, of family, and of truth. I love you Pup!
Papa Underwood has so many cool things about him. He and my Nana got married right out of high school and began to raise their own family. At one time he worked three separate jobs so he could provide money to have my Nana stay at home and raise his children. He ended up going back to college at Southern Maine and graduating the same year my mom did. He worked at the Bath Iron Works on ships. He was a handy man and helped with carpentry. He taught drivers education and was a great drawer. He loved to fish and read mysteries. Westerns were his favorite thing to watch on television and documentaries on WWI and WWII. Of course he loved his Redskins and Red Sox too! He also got to see 13 grandchildren grow up, graduate from high school, go to college, and be at two of their weddings.
My Papa was such a fun, loving giver of life. I can always remember him never being mad and if he ever was, it wasn't longer than for 5 minutes, at the most. His temper was short lived and he always had a smile on his face. In my youth, my Nana and Papa would drive down from Maine on a Friday morning and when I returned home from school I would see their car parked in my driveway and I would run inside to see my Papa sitting in his normal spot in our living room chair. He would say "Ta-RA!" and I would run to him and he would kiss me on the lips. There was nothing more better than being wrapped in my Papa's arms...the comfort, the love, and the joy radiated from those moments. My Papa loved brushing my hair and always loved my long hair, which is one of the reasons why I've been letting it grow. Its been a whole year since it was last cut because I know how much he loved it. My Papa was also the very first man who ever told me I was beautiful, one of the most beautiful girls he had ever met in his life and that he loved me so much.
Like most young girls I dreamed of finding a fairy tale boy and falling in love. From the time I was little I desired to find a man like my Papa. To be so madly in love it drives me crazy. To have four beautiful children. To watch my grandchildren grow up. To be happy and live a full life. This is my Papa's story. My Papa fell in love with my Nana so quickly. Whenever me and my Papa would be alone, he would always ask me about the boys in my life and I usually would answer with "nobody Pup" and he would always say "that's because you are too beautiful and you scare all the good ones away, just wait." Then he would tell his story of how quickly he fell in love with my Nana. How it was love at first sight and he just knew it. He told me about the dates they would go on and like any love story how he is so in love still and that Nana is the most beautiful and amazing woman he has ever known. It was always during these moments that I wanted to find a man like my Papa who still talked about his wife and the love of his life in this way. You could tell that he was so in love just by the smile and tone of his voice, he was always so excited. In fact I know my Papa died still so completely in love with my Nana. When I went to visit him this past Saturday I was in the room with my mom and my Nana. My Nana was trying to wake him up and he opened his eyes, puckered his lips, and picked up his head to kiss my Nana on the lips. Even in his pain and sickness, he STILL was so in love with my Nana. It was one of the coolest "love" moments I have ever experienced and their love story is just so real and beautiful. I still desire that love story and I know my Papa wants that love story for all 13 of his grandchildren, and two of them already have that.
Last Saturday when I went to visit my Papa I didn't know what kind of day it was going to be. I hadn't seen my Papa since January because I'm away in Maryland at school all year and then I was blessed with the opportunity to lead a missions trip in Ocean City. When I first saw him, I cried. The way cancer kills a body is so devastating and it makes me so angry. I spent a lot of time with my Papa just holding his hand, talking to him, and looking at him. Even though I don't know if my Papa knew I was in the room, I know he could hear me talking because hearing is the last thing a person loses right before they die. My Papa held my hand so tightly that day it made me laugh. His touch was warm, just like it always is. And he would squeeze my hand and I would squeeze back. Being able to sit and watch him was amazing, the coolest moment in my entire life! I felt like I was in a scene in a movie but it was so much better than a scene because it was real and unique and special in its very own way. A little while later in the afternoon a pastor came and he prayed and talked with my Papa and then he asked me to go in the room with him and we prayed together. It was so sweet because the pastor prayed a lot for my Nana. That my Nana would be comforted and not burdened when my Papa left her and that she would be at peace with the situation, never fully of course but not lonely. We then continued to talk about the Bible, God's character, how its not God who causes pain and suffering because he loves us too much. I left that night feeling pretty at peace with the whole situation, knowing that I had placed it in God's hands and it was now up to God to decide the ultimate decision and time that my Papa would return to him at the gates. I'll be honest. I spent most of the car ride home in tears and just worried for my Nana and my dad. BUT when I returned home I found out that my Papa had accepted Jesus into his life with my uncle Chuck...WHAT?! I was overjoyed. Filled with awe. Totally speechless.
My Papa was baptized later on during the week. This whole situation has really strengthened my faith. God has shown me through faith and life how powerful he is. That is he the one in control and will change people's hearts. We cannot place the burden on ourselves and his timing is perfect. He knew my Papa's situation and what was going to happen. My Papa accepted Christ into his life right when he needed to and God knew that. It was all a part of his plan. God has also shown to me through faith that he wants everyone to come to know him so that everyone can spend eternity with him. God loves us that much. I still cannot comprehend his love for me and I don't think I ever will. I know his love for my Papa was deep and wanted so badly and he got it, he finally got it!
While my Papa is no longer here, he is in Heaven. I know God is taking care of him now and there is nothing to worry about. My Papa fought such a hard, tough battle. He held on until the very last moment. He was such a tough man, a fighter. He provided for his family and at one time worked three jobs so my Nana could stay at home and raise four children. He left my Nana so well off she has nothing to worry about because he loved her so much and was a constant provider. My Papa's spirit lives on here with us. While I am sad that my Papa never got to meet the man I will one day marry, whoever it may be, be at my college graduation, sitting in the front row of my wedding in awe of my beauty, or to see my children, I have such an amazing story to tell...his story of love, of power, of family, and of truth. I love you Pup!
Monday, July 4, 2011
Home
Well after a 10-hour car ride, four stops, and $70 of gas, I am finally home. I cannot even begin to fathom how fast the past six weeks have come and gone, where I am now, and where I am headed. All I can say is wow, and I would totally do that over again if I ever get the chance!
When I left on May 23rd, I never imagined how God would work in and through me the way he did. He provided for me more than I ever asked for and it is wild to think about...the power of prayer is HUGE in a Christian's life. I think I will take you through my prayers and how God answered them in this post: Before leaving, I prayed for my small group. I prayed they would bond, love one another, and grow as sisters. My small group LOVES each other like crazy. I literally have never in my life seen another group of girls who are so completely different bond and love each other. They raise one another up in prayer, eat together, laugh together, spend loads of time with one another, and are beautiful women of God and sisters. I also prayed in my discipleship time with them they would be teachable and want to grow more intimately with the Lord. Again, God answered those prayers because my girls were all so incredibly patient, flexible, teachable, and willing to let go of things and surrender them at the foot of the cross. Before leaving I also prayed God would provide me money because I would have no job for six weeks and no job returning home. I was able to be refunded $250 and $100 of which I still have left! Money has always been a comfort, so when it was stripped away, I had nothing. I was able to buy groceries and gas and even go shopping a few times with money still to spare, mmmm answers! As for me, I prayed that God would use me. That I wouldn't just teach and do my "duties" but that I would pour into women and God would use me as a tool for them. My girls were coming to me in our free time and even other women on the project. By opening up, being vulnerable, and available, the student women sought me out, what a blessing and answer to prayer!
These were the major answers to prayer. However, there were other bonus'. For the first time in my life, God taught me about forgiveness. Not forgiveness of others, but forgiving myself for the things of my past and the things I have been holding on to and holding me back. Holding me back from a more intimate and freeing walk with Him. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my back and I can walk with independence from others thoughts and judgements, with confidence in the woman I am, and fully surrendered to Him! Going along the lines of this, God also opened up my eyes to my relationship with Matt. While we do honor Him in so many ways, there are ways and times we fail over and over again...and there are things to focus on and work on. The clarity is beautiful and the way I trust Matt and respect him as a man of the Lord has grown immensely. I know that we are together for a reason and while I, like any other Christian woman in a relationship, hope this one day leads to marriage, BUT I also have no idea if that is true or not. While we can pray and hope our relationship does end up in marriage, only our Father knows the ending. I am simply blessed that we help each other towards Jesus, and that is the BEST we can do! :) I am content. Content I feel like in the first time since we have been dating. I have no worries. I have no doubts. I have nothing to live up to. I am simply Tara Underwood dating the man I love and surrendering and pouring my heart into Jesus.
I miss OCMD terribly. I miss hanging out on the porch of the 3 Jacks. I miss hearing Jenna play and lead worship. I miss my staff team. I miss the men and women who are growing and becoming men and women of the Lord. I miss the ocean. Quiet times on the Bay. The sunsets over the Bay. The Darby. The Frey and Baker children. The parallel parking I fail miserably at. I know I completed what God set out for me to do. And it is the most amazing feeling in the world. I can say one thing, I have never felt so loved and appreciated by anyone in my entire life. I came to OCMD as a shy and fearful woman full of unanswered questions and I left OCMD as a confident and loving woman with answers to many questions and a confirmation. I know it is from the encouragement, the love, the many thank yous and you are so beautiful. This is what makes ministry so fun and enjoyable :)
And now the job searchING begins...
When I left on May 23rd, I never imagined how God would work in and through me the way he did. He provided for me more than I ever asked for and it is wild to think about...the power of prayer is HUGE in a Christian's life. I think I will take you through my prayers and how God answered them in this post: Before leaving, I prayed for my small group. I prayed they would bond, love one another, and grow as sisters. My small group LOVES each other like crazy. I literally have never in my life seen another group of girls who are so completely different bond and love each other. They raise one another up in prayer, eat together, laugh together, spend loads of time with one another, and are beautiful women of God and sisters. I also prayed in my discipleship time with them they would be teachable and want to grow more intimately with the Lord. Again, God answered those prayers because my girls were all so incredibly patient, flexible, teachable, and willing to let go of things and surrender them at the foot of the cross. Before leaving I also prayed God would provide me money because I would have no job for six weeks and no job returning home. I was able to be refunded $250 and $100 of which I still have left! Money has always been a comfort, so when it was stripped away, I had nothing. I was able to buy groceries and gas and even go shopping a few times with money still to spare, mmmm answers! As for me, I prayed that God would use me. That I wouldn't just teach and do my "duties" but that I would pour into women and God would use me as a tool for them. My girls were coming to me in our free time and even other women on the project. By opening up, being vulnerable, and available, the student women sought me out, what a blessing and answer to prayer!
These were the major answers to prayer. However, there were other bonus'. For the first time in my life, God taught me about forgiveness. Not forgiveness of others, but forgiving myself for the things of my past and the things I have been holding on to and holding me back. Holding me back from a more intimate and freeing walk with Him. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my back and I can walk with independence from others thoughts and judgements, with confidence in the woman I am, and fully surrendered to Him! Going along the lines of this, God also opened up my eyes to my relationship with Matt. While we do honor Him in so many ways, there are ways and times we fail over and over again...and there are things to focus on and work on. The clarity is beautiful and the way I trust Matt and respect him as a man of the Lord has grown immensely. I know that we are together for a reason and while I, like any other Christian woman in a relationship, hope this one day leads to marriage, BUT I also have no idea if that is true or not. While we can pray and hope our relationship does end up in marriage, only our Father knows the ending. I am simply blessed that we help each other towards Jesus, and that is the BEST we can do! :) I am content. Content I feel like in the first time since we have been dating. I have no worries. I have no doubts. I have nothing to live up to. I am simply Tara Underwood dating the man I love and surrendering and pouring my heart into Jesus.
I miss OCMD terribly. I miss hanging out on the porch of the 3 Jacks. I miss hearing Jenna play and lead worship. I miss my staff team. I miss the men and women who are growing and becoming men and women of the Lord. I miss the ocean. Quiet times on the Bay. The sunsets over the Bay. The Darby. The Frey and Baker children. The parallel parking I fail miserably at. I know I completed what God set out for me to do. And it is the most amazing feeling in the world. I can say one thing, I have never felt so loved and appreciated by anyone in my entire life. I came to OCMD as a shy and fearful woman full of unanswered questions and I left OCMD as a confident and loving woman with answers to many questions and a confirmation. I know it is from the encouragement, the love, the many thank yous and you are so beautiful. This is what makes ministry so fun and enjoyable :)
And now the job searchING begins...
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Pictures worth a thousand words
This the room I have been staying in...I'm sharing it with the other student staff Jenna! The 4 interns are living together in The Darby, which has been another wonderful blessing!
Two of my small group girls are sharing soularium with people.
During my quiet time on the bay the sun was setting and I just had to take a shot! Sooo beautiful!
Jenna has been a HUGE blessing in my life! She came here last summer as a student and returned as student staff. We have gotten very close and have shared many many many memories here.
This is my small group :) These girls are all so different but love one another like crazy...they've been a blessing! Its been amazing watching them grow and develop into sisters and women of the Lord. I've seen how very different women come together, serve together, and love each other...there is hope for this exact thing to happen at Salisbury.
Matt came to visit one weekend :) We went to Assateague for a bonfire and worship...it was beautiful!
Again the sun setting on the bay...sitting and watching was breathtaking!
Our staff hunt!!
All of the single staff women at a Shorebirds game in Salisbury :) Aren't they just gorgeous?! These women have been another blessing. Being on a team with mature women to look up to has been a huge answer to prayer for me!
My love and one of my best friends Sammie is here with me this summer!!! What a blessing :) Watching her grow and develop into more of a woman of God has been incredible and I'm excited to see how she changes and grows over the next 5 weeks without me here!
This picture was taken after the students were debriefing from their first outreach event. Praying together and rejoicing in what the Lord had done!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Yada
The theme for the women this year at OCMD has been ‘yada.’ Yada is what my staff team has been pouring into these women and reminding them over and over again. It has been the content we have been discussing in women’s time and is how we brought closure to them today on Women’s Day.
Yada is an old Hebrew word that means to know, to be known, and to be deeply respected. While most use the term as far as sex goes, our staff team brought a whole new understanding and perspective to the student women. As Christian women, we all long to be loved, to be known, and to have a deep emotional longing in our hearts to be satisfied…most of the time we long for men to fill that. However, our God fulfills us even more than men ever will or can because of yada. In the book we have been reading the author explains yada in quite lame terms: “Yada is a word that transcends the physical. It describes the whole knowing of a person. It portrays an uncovering and an embrace of the nakedness of another. There is no secrets, and nothing held back.” And our Father does just that…
God knows me, he makes me known among others, and he deeply respects me. I can’t really explain any of this through my own words and the piece of scripture that just keeps returning in my mind over and over again is John 10:14-15 “I am the good shepherd; I know (yada) my sheep and my sheep know (yada) me–just as the Father knows (yada) me and I know (yada) the Father–I lay down my life for the sheep.” If you take the time to actually re-read this passage over again by placing the word ‘yada’ for the word ‘know,’ you will understand the significance and meaning of these verses so much more! Yada…to know, to be known, and to be deeply respected: Jesus knows me, makes me known, and deeply respects me, just like God knows me, makes me known, and deeply respects me.
After being here for 5 weeks, I know the meaning of yada has radically transformed my relationship with the Lord and how I now view what real love is. I desire to know, to be known, and to be deeply respected by a man of the Lord. I know a man will NEVER satisfy and fulfill me like my God does, BUT I know what I deserve and what God truly wants and desires for me as well. …What does yada mean to you? Are you known and deeply respected?
Yada is an old Hebrew word that means to know, to be known, and to be deeply respected. While most use the term as far as sex goes, our staff team brought a whole new understanding and perspective to the student women. As Christian women, we all long to be loved, to be known, and to have a deep emotional longing in our hearts to be satisfied…most of the time we long for men to fill that. However, our God fulfills us even more than men ever will or can because of yada. In the book we have been reading the author explains yada in quite lame terms: “Yada is a word that transcends the physical. It describes the whole knowing of a person. It portrays an uncovering and an embrace of the nakedness of another. There is no secrets, and nothing held back.” And our Father does just that…
God knows me, he makes me known among others, and he deeply respects me. I can’t really explain any of this through my own words and the piece of scripture that just keeps returning in my mind over and over again is John 10:14-15 “I am the good shepherd; I know (yada) my sheep and my sheep know (yada) me–just as the Father knows (yada) me and I know (yada) the Father–I lay down my life for the sheep.” If you take the time to actually re-read this passage over again by placing the word ‘yada’ for the word ‘know,’ you will understand the significance and meaning of these verses so much more! Yada…to know, to be known, and to be deeply respected: Jesus knows me, makes me known, and deeply respects me, just like God knows me, makes me known, and deeply respects me.
After being here for 5 weeks, I know the meaning of yada has radically transformed my relationship with the Lord and how I now view what real love is. I desire to know, to be known, and to be deeply respected by a man of the Lord. I know a man will NEVER satisfy and fulfill me like my God does, BUT I know what I deserve and what God truly wants and desires for me as well. …What does yada mean to you? Are you known and deeply respected?
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