It has been quite a long time since I last posed. I guess you can say my life has been anything but ordinary within the past four months. I've gone through many personal spiritual battles as well as battling what the world tells me and what God tells me. Its been quite a trip...
One of the biggest things God has been teaching me lately is trust. Now, as a Christian woman who has been walking with the Lord for a few years you think I would actually have that all squared away, right? WRONG! I can honestly say I am a woman who fears placing all of my trust into someone because of all of the pain I have faced from many people. It always seems right as I place my trust into someone, they fail and the pain they bring is heart wrenching. It literally feels as though they are piercing my heart and mind with a sword and its stuck. However, God is different. His word affirms that if we place our trust in him, he will not fail because he is not human (Lamentations 3:22). He is God, our God, our good, just, and faithful God. Who never leaves us or hurts us...he works all things for our good (Romans 8:28).
As my senior year is almost halfway over, I have begun to panic. Well, that's a lie. I've been panicking ever since August. I'm so fearful of where I'm going to be next year, what I'm going to be doing, who I'm going to be with, etc. etc. I've been told I have every right to be afraid and uncertain. However, God tells us not to worry and that we don't have to feel that way. Its funny how human knowledge sounds so good but is so false! In the famous Proverbs 3:5-6 it states, TRUST the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding but acknowledge him, and he will make your paths smooth. This hit me. It really hit me. I thought to myself, why do I worry and why do I think I know the answer when in reality, I don't? I think my understanding is so much better and I try to follow that. I've failed. Oh, I've failed so many times in the past few months by doing just that. All I have to do is simply acknowledge God and HE will make my paths straight. The path of finding an enjoyable and fruitful job, the path of living somewhere, the path of my relationship, the path of my life. He has it. He's got me. He has me wrapped in his arms and is nudging me forward. All I have to do is follow and trust that he is in control when I have absolutely no idea what is going on. I have to trust that his plan for me is unfolding right before my very eyes and it is perfect. I don't understand why but he DOES. My life right now is perfect because its God's plan and he is working through all my failures, all my feelings, all my doubts, all my worries, all my stress, all my hurt for my good. Our God is a God who is just and gracious, slow to anger and ABOUNDING IN LOVE.
The other verse that I keep instilling into my human mind is "Delight yourself in me and I will give you the desires of your heart." Again, God can only give me the desires of my heart if I am delighting myself in him. Now, when I first read this, I thought to myself what the heck does to delight mean? I'm not stupid, I know what to delight means but what does it REALLY mean? I believe to delight means to find joy, peace, and fullness through God. To be dependent on him alone, not man. To find my fulfillment in him. Because when I am finding fulfillment and joy and completeness through God alone, I am placing my trust in him...now that is hope.
So, as I continue to figure out what I want to do I stop and realize its not what I want, its what God wants. 2 Thessalonians 3:5 says, "May the Lord direct my heart to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ." This verse sums up my prayer life right now. I desire to continue to seek my God for ALL understanding in my life and this world. I desire to be a woman so in tune with the Holy Spirit. To be a godly woman who finds her complete dependence on God. I don't need a man to complete me, I need my God. My heart is longing for peace and assurance that God is with me and is working through me. I so desperately cry out to my Abba for comfort and security, knowing that he is in control and asking for him to make my heart and mind fully trust in his good and perfect ways.
My God is the only sure thing in my life right now and I truly believe he will always be the only sure thing in my life forever. When everyone else fails and hurts me, he holds me up and sustains me. Why wouldn't I trust the man who created me and placed my life completely, totally, 100% in his control? Makes you think, doesn't it...
